How to Start Writing a Eulogy
When you start writing, you may feel that you have too many memories. You may have no idea of which ones to include or find it hard to put your emotions into words.
First, take a blank page and write down anything that comes to mind about your loved one:
- Adjectives that describe their personality
- Repeated expressions or sayings
- Important accomplishments or turning points
- Traditions they created
- Lessons they taught you
- The ways in which they made you laugh
- Stories that show how they treated other people
You can also speak with relatives, friends, neighbors, or colleagues.
Ask questions like, “What is the first thing you remember about them?” or “What story best represents who they were?”
These conversations can reveal memories or aspects of your loved one’s personality you had never heard before. They can also help you understand how your loved one affected people in different parts of their life.
Don’t worry about organizing your speech yet. At this initial stage, you want to collect stories and anecdotes. Once you feel you’ve gathered enough, follow these steps to help you organize your thoughts.
1. Choose a Central Theme for a Meaningful Eulogy
Perhaps your loved one was known for welcoming everyone into their home. Maybe they had a great sense of humor, found ways to stay positive during difficult times, or quietly helped people without expecting anything in return.
Choose one central theme, or two closely related themes, to guide your eulogy.
Some examples of central themes could be the following:
- She made everyone feel as though they belonged.
- She taught us to view the world with an open mind.
- He expressed his strength through kindness.
- She found humor in even the most simple things.
- He showed his love through practical acts of care or service.
A central theme gives your funeral speech structure. This way your eulogy doesn’t feel like a “laundry list” of qualities, dates, or accomplishments.
Instead of saying that someone was kind, generous, hardworking, funny, loyal, patient, and adventurous, choose the qualities that mattered most and illustrate them with a personal story.
People may not remember every fact you mention. They are much more likely to remember a story that reflects the person’s spirit.
2. Add Personal Stories and Details
Stories make a eulogy feel alive. A statement like, “My father was generous,” is sincere, but it feels general. A short story that shows that generosity is more personal.
You might describe how he always carried tools in his car because someone was bound to need help, or how he quietly paid for a neighbor’s groceries during a difficult year.
Ordinary memories are often the most moving:
- The song your mother sang while cooking
- The way your grandfather sat on a chair reading the newspaper
- The meal your friend cooked to make a person feel better
- That book or authors your sister was always telling people to read
- The sound of your loved one’s laughter from another room
Avoid including so much background that the main point becomes lost. Keep only the details that help listeners picture the moment or understand what it reveals about the person.
3. Use Both Humor and Emotion
In a eulogy, appropriate humor can bring comfort and remind people of your loved one’s personality.
You could mention a funny habit, a repeated family joke or catchphrase, or something your loved one often laughed about themselves.
Humor here works best when it is affectionate and empathetic instead of embarrassing and filled with sarcasm. Avoid jokes that expose private information, criticize your loved one, or make family members uncomfortable.
Ask yourself the following question: “Would my loved one have enjoyed hearing this story told?”
Don’t force humor into the speech. If jokes don’t fit who they were, or match what’s planned for the memorial service, it’s completely fine to leave them out.
The same applies to emotion. You don’t need to make every sentence deeply moving. A meaningful eulogy includes reflection, sadness, gratitude, and warmth. Those changes make the speech feel human.
How to Structure a Eulogy
A clear structure can make the writing process much easier. You can adapt the following eulogy template for a parent, partner, relative, friend, or colleague.
1. Opening
Introduce yourself and explain your relationship to the person.
For example:
“For those who don’t know me, I’m Ana, and John was my uncle.”
You could then express your feelings and why you’ve written the eulogy:
“It’s difficult to summarize what he meant to our family, but I would like to share a few memories that represent the person we knew and loved.”
2. Central Theme
Introduce the quality or idea that will guide the speech.
“If there is one thing I will always remember about John, it’s his ability to make people feel welcome.”
3. Personal Stories
Share two or three stories that support your theme. A longer eulogy may include three stories, while a short eulogy may need only one.
4. The Person’s Wider Impact
Briefly acknowledge other important relationships, accomplishments, values, or contributions.
You can describe their role within the family, their work, or the influence they had on others.
5. Lesson or Legacy
Explain what you learned from the person or how their influence will continue.
“Because of him, we know that care is not only something we say. It’s something we practice in small, consistent ways.”
6. Closing
It’s a good idea to end the eulogy expressing gratitude.
“John, thank you for teaching us to be open-minded, to laugh at ourselves, and to keep showing up for the people we love. We will miss you.”
Eulogy Ideas for a Mother, Father, or Close Friend
The relationship you shared with your loved one can help you decide what to emphasize.
Eulogy for a Mother
A eulogy for a mother might focus on the ways she offered love, created traditions, and supported her family.
Consider including the following:
- Advice she gave you
- Family rituals she maintained
- Sacrifices she made
- Ways she comforted or encouraged people
- Qualities you recognize in yourself because of her
Avoid reducing her entire life to her relationship to you. You can also reflect on her interests, friendships, ambitions, work, and identity.
Eulogy for a Father
A eulogy for a father might explore the lessons he taught, the example he set, the interests you shared, or the quieter ways he expressed affection.
Consider including the following:
- A skill he taught you
- His favorite sayings
- How he faced challenging times
- The ways he supported others
- A moment when you understood him differently
Eulogy for a Close Friend
When writing for a friend, consider the version of them that their relatives or colleagues may not have known. You might speak about trips you took together, private jokes, difficult periods you lived together, or the way they changed your life.
As their friend, you can add another layer, showing how the person was outside the family.
6 Useful Tips for Editing a Written Eulogy
After completing your first draft, read it aloud. Sometimes, statements that look good on a page may sound odd when spoken.
As you revise your speech, be sure to do the following:
- Remove repeated ideas.
- Shorten long sentences.
- Replace formal wording with words you would naturally say.
- Check that each story supports the central theme.
- Clarify names or relationships unfamiliar to the audience.
- Mark places where you should pause.
You may also include a meaningful quote, prayer, piece of scripture, line from a book, or brief reference to one of your loved one’s favorite poems. Use it because it reflects the person, not simply because it sounds impressive.
Once you’re finished editing your speech, ask someone close to you to read it. They can help check if something sounds odd or unclear and notice anything that may be too private or personal to talk about in public. They can also point out if you’ve said any words that could hurt someone who is grieving.
6 Useful Tips for Delivering a Written Eulogy
You don’t need to memorize your funeral eulogy. Bring a printed copy, even if you have practiced it many times.
Use a large, easy-to-read font and leave plenty of space between paragraphs. Number the pages and avoid printing on both sides. Turning the paper can become confusing.
Practice aloud several times so you can sound natural when you’re reading. This will also help you know the length, identify the emotional sections, and understand where you need to slow down.
When you are delivering the speech, keep the following in mind:
- Take a slow breath before beginning.
- Speak slower than you normally would.
- Pause after important sentences.
- Look up when you feel able, but don’t force eye contact.
- Keep water nearby.
- Ask someone in advance to take over if you become unable to continue.
You may cry, lose your place, or need to stop for a moment. None of those things mean you have given a bad speech. Pause, breathe, find the next phrase, and continue when you are ready.
Frequently Asked Questions About Writing a Eulogy
1. How long should a eulogy be?
Most eulogies last approximately five to ten minutes, which is usually around 650 to 1,300 spoken words. However, the appropriate length depends on the funeral service and whether other people will also be speaking.
2. Who typically gives the eulogy?
A eulogy may be given by a family member, close friend, religious leader, colleague, or anyone who knew your loved one well. Some funeral services include several speakers who can each speak on a different part of the person’s life.
3. Can you read a eulogy from paper?
Yes. It is completely acceptable, and usually recommended, to read a eulogy from a paper. Having a full written copy allows you to focus on communicating the words rather than trying to remember them.
A Eulogy Should Be Written With Love and Honesty
Writing a great eulogy doesn’t require you to be a great speechwriter or speaker.
Be sure to focus on a central theme, tell personal stories, and speak in a voice that feels like your own. A meaningful eulogy needs to offer a truthful glimpse of your loved one’s life and the love that remains after it.
Speak from the heart, prepare as best you can, and don’t worry about holding back your emotions. That’s what makes your words matter.
